cherishing silence

Honestly, I can't believe I've let myself go so long without blogging. It really is a stress outlet for me - it's like journaling except with other people in mind. Of couse, some people use their blog as more of a journal than others. I'd say mine is a nice balance of written-for-self vs. written-for-others.

I'm finally sitting down for the first time in a while and focusing on myself. It sounds horribly selfish, but while Joe runs errands and Brenan sleeps in his swing, I'm just going to sit here and blog. The dishes sitting on the end tables and the laundry and baby toys strewn on the floor are just going to have to wait.

I've read so many other mom blogs that talk about days like these - where you get a few minutes to yourself and cherish each second of peace and quiet. I suspect that as Brenan gets older and our family grows bigger those moments will be fewer and farther between. I'm not going to worry about that right now though. For now, I'll just write, and rest.

The [post] birth story

Don't forget to read my posts about what led up to labor and Brenan's birth!

The instant Brenan was laid on my chest is one I'll never forget, but it wasn't what I expected. I was in a state of shock and relief from the intensity of the moments before. I remember feeling the weight of his body pressing down on mine, and the ups and downs of his breathing. He was warm and still moist; his hair was matted down against his perfect little head. He didn't have the typical cone-head of a newborn... I suppose because he came out fairly quickly and was never stuck in one place for any length of time during labor.


I could feel the umbilical cord laying across my belly, still pulsing, keeping us tied together for just a few minutes longer. According to Joe and I's wishes, the umbilical cord wasn't clamped off until after it stopped pulsing. Then Joe was given the scissors to make the cut that would begin Brenan's lifelong journey of independence.

Brenan's face didn't pinken up as quickly as the doctor would have liked, so they suggested that they take him to the warmer for a quick exam. I handed him over and within a few minutes he was back in my arms. He wasn't crying when he was on my chest, but he did as soon as they took him, so it wasn't long before he got enough air for his face to have a healthy color. (This says something about where he really wanted to be!) His Apgar scores were 8 and 8... practically perfect.

The doctor nicknamed Brenan "the bruiser" because of his size. The average newborn weighs 6-9 pounds and is 19-22 inches long. Our little boy was 9 lbs 6 oz, and measured 21 inches.

Pitocin was started immediately after the birth (without my consent, but it wasn't worth it to me to make a fuss about it), but the contractions seemed so mild compared to the ones I was having minutes before. Brenan was still at the warmer when the placenta was delivered. It's pliability made it almost ignorable as it slipped out the birth canal. The doctor massaging (this is hardly the right word) my uterus with her fist however, was not so pleasant. In fact, I might even classify it as worse than labor. Ladies: if you're going to have a baby, please prepare yourself for this! When they press down to make sure your uterus is hardening and not going to cause hemorrhage, it hurts! It causes a massive contraction and you can feel the leftover fluids from birth gush out (gross, I know). Thankfully, it doesn't last long... plus you get to have your baby in your arms while you experience it, so you have a wonderful distraction to give your attention to instead.

I had a second degree tear, which the doctor said was remarkable considering Brenan's size. I didn't feel it happen, and getting stitches wasn't too bad. I had local anesthesia; although, the place the last stitch went into didn't quite get numbed all the way. So that was bad, but the pain was short-lived.

After he was returned to me from the warmer, Brenan remained on my chest for an hour or so. I'm not quite sure of the time... I was too captivated by his precious face to look at the clock. He nursed for the first time, and nuzzled against me for warmth. Joe and I stared and stared. Our little baby boy was finally here.

The nurse came back in after a while and asked if I was ready to get up and try to go to the bathroom. I was shaky and sore (not just from Brenan coming out, but the muscles in my arms and legs were exhausted, too, from tensing them as I pushed), but I made it to the bathroom okay. Sitting on the toilet was REALLY uncomfortable. It put pressure in all the places I didn't want to have pressure on. At any rate, I wasn't able to pee. The nurse moved the hospital bed out of the room and set up the double bed which came down from the wall. I wandered over and laid back down, all my energy zapped from the short walk to and from the bathroom.

Sometime around 2 o'clock we decided we were ready for Brenan to have his full newborn exam, footprinting, measuring, etc. Joe went with Brenan and the nurse to the nursery while I took a shower. I was also able to pee when I went to the bathroom this time, thank goodness! The shower felt great. My room was, for some unknown reason, around 78 degrees Fahrenheit the entire time we were there, so I was covered in sweat from labor... not to mention blood, amniotic fluid, bits of vernix, and whatever else you come into contact with during labor and delivery. I got a little shaky from standing so long, but they have a fold-down bench in the shower at the hospital, so I just sat down for a while and relaxed in the water, reflecting on everything I had been through in the past 12 hours.

Birth is a wonderful experience. I would do it again in a heartbeat. The bond that Joe, Brenan, and I established that day has only continued to grow. We are experiencing life together... all three of us both learning and teaching as we go along.

The birth story

Read my [pre] birth story here

We got home from the hospital on Tuesday night around 9pm. We were relieved to know that everything was still okay with the baby, but really discouraged about the prospects of ever going into labor naturally. We went to bed with blank, smile-less faces, finally beginning to accept that I would probably have to be induced.

Wednesday, June 22nd

Around 2:15am I woke up with a contraction. This had happened to be a few nights before though, so I wasn't going to let myself get excited about it. I went to the bathroom and laid back down, trying not to think about it. I woke up again with another contraction at 2:25am... this time feeling kind of flushed and sweaty... it seemed stronger than any I'd had before. I tried not to get excited, but laid in bed awake hoping to feel my uterus clamp down again soon.

I felt another contraction about 10 minutes later. These contractions were somehow different than all of my Braxton-Hicks. I knew in some deep part of me that my body was finally ready for this, and that my baby was going to be born, but on the surface I was still in denial. I woke Joe up and we trudged out to the living room and sat down on the couch. We had gotten up other nights when I had contractions, and weren't really expecting anything too intense for quite some time, even if this was "the real thing." Everything we read about early labor said that I would be easily distracted from labor and able to continue functioning at a fairly normal level. 

That did not happen for me.

From then until we got to the hospital, everything blurs together. I breathed through many of my contractions laying on my side on the floor with my head on a pillow. We kept the lights off, and for the first hour or so I was able to doze in between my contractions. They were coming every 8-10 minutes. Every half-hour or so I stood in the shower and let the hot water relax me. The first few times it was almost numbing. When I first got up I was hungry, so I had eaten a bowl of cereal. It didn't stay down for long. I threw up pretty early on, and was unable to keep down even sierra mist and water.

I know Joe was there to get me whatever I asked for, whether it was help getting to the shower or a straw for my water... but I honestly have no recollection of how he passed the time otherwise. I vaguely recall the TV being on, but with the sound turned all the way down because I couldn't stand noise. I remember asking Joe every once and a while how frequently the contractions were coming... it seemed like they were 6 minutes apart the majority of the time.

My birth instructor told me when you feel like you can't do it anymore you're almost there. I was feeling that way by 7:30am. I was shaky, nauseous, and the shower wasn't helping anymore. Every contraction made me just want to thrash around violently to try to escape the pain, but the pain was almost paralyzing. Moving seemed to accentuate everything that already hurt. I worked through a few contractions on my hands and knees, and finally when I sat back as one was finishing, I felt a little gush of fluid. I told Joe my water broke, and we got ready to leave for the hospital.

I threw up as we were getting in the car, and had a contraction before we left the driveway. The 15 minute car ride was awful.  I had two contractions on the way... during both of which I screamed at Joe. I wasn't trying to scream, but when you're in such intense pain it's hard to get any words out without raising your voice.    During a contraction, both accelerating and braking were like torture, so Joe did the best he could to let the car coast. I was so thankful when we pulled in to the hospital parking lot.

We went in through the ER, as instructed. I sent Joe a few steps ahead of me through the doors to get a wheelchair, because I knew I was about to have a contraction. I wasn't particularly keen on the idea of being on my hands and knees having a contraction in front of everyone else in the waiting room. The hospital volunteer who brought the wheelchair looked a little flustered, but I tried to shut her and all the other patients out as I tried to breathe though the contraction that came as soon as I sat down. 

I was wheeled up to a room in the OB unit, and admitted immediately. I answered the nurse's questions during the breaks in between my contractions, which were still 3-5 minutes apart. There were two nurses in the room when they checked my cervix. The one who did the exam looked at the other one and said, "I feel... nothing. I can't feel any cervix at all." She also said that she could still feel the bag of waters. This was around 8:30am, I think.

The doctor came in some time shortly thereafter, and confirmed that I was fully dilated. Soon-to-be-Brenan's heart rate was beating steady with a lovely baseline around 140, and accelerations during contractions. His head wasn't quite as flexed as the doctor wanted it to be, so she put a rolled up towel just below my butt and lowered the leg portion of the bed so that my legs were hanging. I had to lay on my back and labor through 3 contractions like that (horribly uncomfortable), but her little trick worked and the baby flexed his head so that the crown of his head would present first. After that she told me I could start pushing as soon as I felt the urge.

I pushed laying on my left side for a while, then the doctor had me turn to my right side. My pushes still weren't as productive as they could have been, so she had me lay on my back (not flat though, the head of the bed was slightly elevated) and hold my legs myself. Joe and the nurse and been helping before. Pulling on my legs during the contractions helped give me more pushing power, and it ended up working the best for me. I was far too exhausted and shaky during contractions to try squatting. 

With each push I could feel the baby's head moving farther down. I could visualize where he was in my pelvis and the progress I made with each push. My contractions had been pain with no relief, but when I began pushing the pain felt productive and almost helpful. And then I felt the "ring of fire." I thought I felt like I was stretching, but then his head got to the widest point on it's way out, and... whoa. Now I know EXACTLY what women mean when they say that. It burns!

Thankfully that only lasted for two or three contractions. I could feel how close he was to having his head out, and the pain was bad enough that I got some sort of superwoman adrenaline rush and decided he was coming out RIGHT THEN. I'm not sure I've ever been quite so determined. That's the way it's supposed to be though - my body was made with Brenan's birth in mind.

When his head came out most of the burning feeling went away. I could tell that he wasn't all the way out though because I could still feel a lot of pressure from his shoulders. The doctor was concerned that his shoulders might get stuck because of his size and had warned me prior to when I started pushing that I should listen closely to her instructions after his head came out. Thankfully, she was pleased with the way his shoulders were presenting and told me to continue pushing. His shoulders (and the rest of his body) came out with the next contraction, after only two or three more pushes. At 11:19am, Brenan Matthew was born.

Keep posted for the final chapter of my birth story!

The [pre] birth story

If you're expecting your first baby, you might as well just set the date on your calendar now - your baby probably won't arrive until you're at the 41 week mark. (Not to say that some little ones don't come earlier, but you should prepare yourself for a late arrival, too.) Joe and I learned in our childbirth classes that the average first baby is delivered at 41 weeks and 1 day. For me, that would have been June 21st. Brenan was born June 22nd at 11:19am.

On June 1st, I remember saying to Joe, "Okay, we made it to June, I'm full-term, and Baby is healthy, so going into labor is fine with me any time now." Little did I know that weeks later I would still be pregnant.

We tried everything in the book to get labor to begin... so much so that I felt our efforts were worthy of a blog post on their own.

I did my best to put these in order of when we did (or started doing) them...
Walking
Sex
Relaxation
Breast pumping
Acupressure & massage
Visualization
Raspberry-leaf tea
Pineapple
Stripping the membranes
Castor oil
Jumping jacks

Not to be discouraging to any nearing-or-past-your-due-date-expecting-mothers out there, but none of these worked. I'm sure they all helped my body prepare little by little, but baby Brenan was pretty determined to stick it out until he was good n' ready to experience the world outside the womb.

Throughout my 3rd trimester I had frequent Braxton-Hicks contractions. In the last weeks before labor they were more intense, and fooled me into wishful "this is it" thoughts on more than one occasion. Contractions would be coming every 8-10 minutes for hours and then suddenly stop. Joe stayed home from work to support me though the stress of not knowing whether it was "real" or not, and the mild pain that accompanied my contractions.

After we got home from the OB on June 20 - 41 weeks

On Monday, June 20th, we had our final doctor's appointment with the OB. She did a ultrasound to check my fluid levels, which were at the lowest end of the "ok" spectrum, and to check the placenta, which was showing signs of aging and calcification. She also did a non-stress test to check how the baby was handling things. It turned out that he was doing just fine. She was surprised at how consistent his heart rate was, and was pleased to see it accelerating with movement and contractions (still just Braxton-Hicks). She stripped my membranes at that appointment, but agreed to wait for an induction until Thursday, June 23rd (a full 10 days after my due date) in respect for my wishes of avoiding a scheduled induction altogether.

My OB recommended trying castor oil mixed with orange juice when I got home to help labor begin. I was 3cm dilated and 40% effaced at my appointment, so my body was obviously close to going into labor on its own. We were hoping the castor oil would help push me over the edge. When I saw what it looked like mixed into (or rather, floating on top of) the orange juice, I wondered what the point was. Then I tried taking it by itself. Note: if you ever decide to take castor oil, mix it with orange juice. It may not help the texture, but you do NOT want to taste the castor oil by itself.

Contractions began within an hour or two, and were fairly intense. They came every 10 minutes, then every 9, then every 8... this lasted from noon to about 10pm. Then they stopped. Yet again, another exhausting and discouraging tease of labor.

Soon-to-be baby Brenan

The next morning I took another dose of castor oil in hopes that it would work even better this time... it did, but not on my uterus. This time I had no contractions, horrible gas pain, and diarrhea worse than I had when I was in India. I vowed never to take it again.

Tuesday evening (June 21st) I went to the bathroom and there was bright red blood on the paper when I wiped. I called the OB department at the hospital right away and they had me come in for observation. I was having contractions every 6-8 minutes, no more bleeding (they never really figured out what caused it, but they thought it was maybe related to having my membranes stripped the morning before), and the baby's heart rate was looking great. I was sent home 2 hours later, thankful that everything was okay.

I'll stop here, because the next part of the story is the part that many of you have been waiting for... my labor, and Brenan's arrival! (and it gets a post all to itself)

We're baaaaacck!

We got our computer back from the Geek Squad on Wednesday! Joe said when he went in to pick it up the Geek Squad "agent" pulled out the service report and said, "Whoa, it looks like you got a lot done!"

--Plug for Best Buy: Our service plan with the Geek Squad has MORE than paid for itself. We have gotten 2 replacement batteries, a new motherboard, a new fan, and (in the words of the Geek Squad agent) "an ODD... whatever that is" ...all for free. Our plan has covered HUNDREDS of dollars in labor and parts.--

I have loads to blog about, now that our baby boy has arrived... it's hard to know where to start! Joe and I adore being parents. Absolutely nothing can compare to having your newborn lay sound asleep on your chest while you doze off watching TV. Having a baby at home doesn't come without its challenges though, and I'll be blogging about some of ours as well.

This is what happens when you combine lack of sleep with no A/C

 It's been a long week for us... I was the nurse at the camp where Joe works in the mornings this past week, and we had to get up at 5:45am to get there on time in the mornings. That gets a little taxing when you're unable to get uninterrupted sleep overnight! Next week things should be back to normal at home, thank goodness!

Can you see the resemblance?

It's a boy!

Finally, our little BOY has arrived!

Brenan Matthew

born June 22, 2011 11:19am

9 lbs 6 oz, 21 inches

...birth story is soon-to-come!



Waiting on Baby

I have come to decide that being full term (or at least being aware of it) is both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, it's a huge relief to know that I don't have to worry about preterm labor anymore. On the other hand, it means I think about how close I am to having Baby in my arms (and not my belly) and whether I may or may not go into labor at a certain moment ALL THE TIME. In fact, it's hard to think about much else.

I can definitely tell a difference in my body, too. Up until a week or two ago I've felt what I would call "comfortably pregnant." Recently though, and especially since the baby has started to drop, I feel more like a cow-sized duck. (Cow because of size, duck because of the waddle.) I don't want to complain to you, though. I don't know anyone who enjoys listening to complaining.

Image source

I can't wait to finally meet my son or daughter face to face, but there are some things I will miss about being pregnant with Baby... the persistence of his/her hiccups, the squirming during car rides, the nudges in the middle of the night... I'll miss looking in the mirror and being reminded of the awesome work of creation going on inside of me. It is humbling to know that I've been entrusted with a life... a life that began so fragile and dependent there was no way it could continue without me.

As the time nears for Baby to begin life outside the womb, I'm realizing that I'm going to have to get to know him/her all over again. I have grown accustomed to each and every intricate movement, but I haven't yet felt the softness of Baby's skin or smelled that fresh baby scent. In the coming weeks I will have to learn Baby's hunger cues, soothe him/her to sleep, and ease him/her into the harshness of the world outside of my womb.


The day is drawing ever-closer when I will hear that wonderful first cry and see my baby's face for the first time... oh what a glorious day that will be.

Reflection

Unfortunately, I woke up (or didn't wake up) this morning feeling like a zombie... I made it to the chair in our living room and fell back asleep while Joe worked out on the treadmill. These third trimester symptoms are intense sometimes! I finally got up and started moving by 11 after breakfast with Joe before he left for work and a phone call with my mom.

...How is it that yesterday I was ready to go-go-go at 8am?

The good news is that I got everything on yesterday's list done! I don't have such high hopes for today's list... oh well. You do the best you can, eh?

Diesal found the dresser mirror yesterday...

...I caught him in the bedroom growling at himself.

My first day as a S.A.H.M.

Stay

At

Home 

Mom

...that's me! Today is Joe's first day at his new job, which also means it's the first day of my new job - being a stay at home mom.

On today's list:
-Update blog
-Compare prices for items we still need to purchase for baby
-Order baby items online (except for the ones that are cheaper in-store)
-Do laundry
-Wash dishes from yesterday evening and breakfast
-Start writing thank-you notes for the gifts we received for Baby at yesterday's shower
-Complete baby exercises
-Organize Baby's things
-Read some in baby bargains book
-Deconstruct diaper cake (Thanks Aunt Sue!)
-Brush Diesal

Joe's Pic[k]: Just the two of us

July 2007

We took this picture when we were out for a date night with our friends, Craig and Jenny. We had actually just returned to the States from our study semester in India! They had recently married, and we weren't even engaged yet. Things have changed quite a bit since then - they've got a baby now and we're married and have one on the way!

I'm full of mixed emotions about Baby's impending arrival. I am SO excited to hold my baby in my arms... to feel his/her soft baby skin against mine, to soothe him/her, to be his/her mother. At the same time, I hesitate to focus on my excitement because of all the people who say, "You just wait, your life's going to change and you'll wish for these days again when you didn't have to worry about your baby all the time..." Stuff like that.

I'm ready to worry about my baby all the time, though. He/she is already on my mind almost 24/7 anyway! I know it will be different, but my heart is so full of love for him/her that I think my life has already changed. I can't imagine ever going back to those "just the two of us" days... and I'm not sure I ever want to.

Being a mother... a parent... is a lifelong commitment. No matter where life takes me or my child(ren), I will always be their mother. I can't wait to get started.

Diaper detergent

Joe and I have been set on cloth diapering from the start. We spent hours reading about prefolds, all-in-ones, fasteners, wraps, doublers, and pocket diapers. Not to mention hemp vs. microfleece vs. suede vs. cotton flannel vs. ...well, you get the idea.

We finally settled on using prefolds with Kushies diaper wraps. We'll also have some all-in-ones (AIOs) for when we're out and about. We've invested in cloth wipes and diaper pail liners as well (if you're washing one thing you might as well wash it all, right?).

After the shower in Virginia I started washing some of our baby items, and I did a quick check to make sure I could use my regular baby detergent on the diapers. It's a good thing I did! Kushies suggests "using a quality laundry detergent that is not soap or soap based, and that is also free of both bleach and fabric softeners, as they can adversely affect the performance and lifespan of the diapers."

The Kushies customer service representative gave me a website with a chart comparing different detergents. The ones rated with 5 stars are the best for washing cloth diapers.

After an hour or two of comparing brands and prices, I decided on Thirsties Super Wash. Other brands I checked into included Allen's Naturally, Country Save, Mountain Green Free & Clear, and Tiny Bubbles. We're also going to use Thirsties Pre-Wash to help keep the diapers extra clean and odor-free.

I'll let you know how it goes!

My birth-day

Twenty four years ago, on April 28, my mom gave birth to me. Now here I am, almost a quarter-century later, a soon-to-be momma. Someday I'm going to be in her shoes... maybe twenty four years from now... watching my son or daughter get ready for parenthood. It's going to be a long journey to get there I'm sure... there will times of joy, sorrow, laughter, and tears... but through all of it we will be family.

The days to come

I've been blogging since 2004, when I went on a mission trip to Senegal with some youth from my church. With every big life transition I've made, a new blog has been created to accompany me on the journey. Joe and I just finished a 9-month missions term in Bulgaria, and now we're moving back to the States and preparing for the birth of our first baby, so a new blog seemed appropriate.



A year ago I was working as an RN in a local doctor's office. I never could have imagined then what my future held for me. It's strange to think that there was ever any other plan, though. Motherhood is a new adventure for me, and it's unique in that it has no end. My heart is already overflowing with love for Joe and I's little baby, and I am filled with hope for the days to come.